The Superwoman Complex

I've been struggling lately with this idea of self sufficiency vs. apathy.  I feel like the more self sufficient I become, the more apathetic I get and that isn't a desired outcome. The last couple of days I have made plans with people and those plans have fallen through for a variety of reasons.  This time last year or even a couple of months ago, these events would have devastated me, and I would be angry and reluctant to make plans with these people again.  Lately, I just don't let if affect me the way it used to. I'm not sure if this is an apathetic approach or if my value just doesn't depend on the acceptance of others they way it used to. Apathy can be dangerous because it can harden you and make you less caring There have been times recently when I feel like I don't need the support of anyone and that I am enough for me.This feeling stems from loneliness and disappointment and is largely a big fat lie.  We are not designed to live this way, we are desig...

Tonight I reflect on "fitting in".  I spent a great deal of time in my youth trying to "fit in".  I had a TON of friends and I made them the end all be all priority. I poured everything into how people saw me. One day I woke up.....all my friends had disappeared and I was left alone to deal with really hard crap. I'm not saying I didn't still have a few amazing friends, but those relationships that I poured into, that I made a priority, I realized they were superficial.  Those who stuck around for the poop of life....those were my people. I thought........If I friended hard enough, I would Carrie and have my Marriah, Samantha and Charlotte. What a CROCK! At some point I woke and realized that I won't ever have that Sex in the City, or Golden Girls tribe of four friends. Oh don't get me wrong I have my  tribe, but they don't live in the same house or even the same alphabet city.  They don't even really know each other.  My Cosmo loving, or h...

It is 8:30pm in my house. It is quiet, the only sounds are the acoustic music playing on Spotify and eggs boiling on the stove.  The wee one is in bed and I have just opened my computer to get some work accomplished.  This is the last week before I am back in class and this time will be filled with paper writing and discussion questions.....and then likely some more work, because let's face it...the work is just never done. My beam is always full and I am told I do not have a work/life balance, and so I ponder.........what is this balance thing others speak of. This is a life I have chosen:To be a parent, have a career and obtain a PhD degree.These are not things that happened to me, I made cognitive choices and these choices just so happen to make me very busy and force me to juggle, not balance.  The truth is, I'm good at it for a while.  I can make the carpool, PTSO, school and work look easy.  It can all live on the beam (if you don't know this reference o...

My house is eerily quiet this evening.  The little people mc nugget got in trouble at school today, so he is sequestered to his room. This of course makes me the worst mommy in the world because he can't play or watch TV this evening.  The day at work was a little rough due to lack of sleep, changing expectations and the overall feeling of being overwhelmed.  I came home to the usual smell of dogs who can't seem to hold their bladder, or who simply don't care that I have a nose. The overall theme of the day can be summed up in one, solitary, word...HARD. It wasn't a bad day, it was just hard. The day was uncomfortable, a little restless and just unnerving.  I am in the middle of a life of transition, hurry up and wait if you will.  My personal life is beautiful and messy and I am figuring out what this adulting thing is all about.  My work life is a train wreck as I attempt to transition from a busy, yet safe and comfortable job role, into a role where I ...