The Trouble with Adulting
My house is eerily quiet this evening. The little people mc nugget got in trouble at school today, so he is sequestered to his room. This of course makes me the worst mommy in the world because he can't play or watch TV this evening. The day at work was a little rough due to lack of sleep, changing expectations and the overall feeling of being overwhelmed. I came home to the usual smell of dogs who can't seem to hold their bladder, or who simply don't care that I have a nose. The overall theme of the day can be summed up in one, solitary, word...HARD.
It wasn't a bad day, it was just hard. The day was uncomfortable, a little restless and just unnerving. I am in the middle of a life of transition, hurry up and wait if you will. My personal life is beautiful and messy and I am figuring out what this adulting thing is all about. My work life is a train wreck as I attempt to transition from a busy, yet safe and comfortable job role, into a role where I am out of my league and out of my element. There are days, like today, where I would love to pack a bag and run away. My "people" are moving far away, going through rough patches and relationships, changing careers or they are just...plain...busy. Nothing seems safe, nothing seems concrete, everything seems risky, and I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This feeling, this constant expectancy, this unknowing what life will bring....it is soooo adult. There are times when it is terrifying, and there are times when it is disastrously beautiful. Change is really the only constant and treading water becomes a fine art.
When I was little I had a very clear idea of what life was going to look like. I had an entire life plan, I was going to live next door to my best friend, we were going to marry handsome men, have a few babies and I was going to have a successful career. Life, however, had a different plan. I rarely talk to that best friend, and now raise a challenging child. I am not nearly where I thought I would be in my career, and yet life is still beautiful....most of the time. How disillusioned were we when we were younger, thinking that we would have the same friends and support system our whole life, that things would be comfortable and we would have a clear path, how amazingly naive were we all.
And even so......and even so. On days like today, when I feel like things are just hard. On days when I feel like I am a bad mom, a bad worker, a bad friend. On days when things aren't morose, but they aren't joyful either, even so...on these days I still see the beauty of life. I am still hopeful that the new position will turn into something I love, that the child will see the err of his ways and will turn a new leaf at school, that Pittsburgh Pennsylvania will some how shut the borders and no one else will be able to move there (sorry Judy, couldn't help it), I am still hopeful that this adulting business will all be worth it.... No I know it will all be worth it. We all do hard things, we all have to adult. Life is not fair, but it is worth it. I hope that you find beauty in the breakdowns, and know that I love you.
It wasn't a bad day, it was just hard. The day was uncomfortable, a little restless and just unnerving. I am in the middle of a life of transition, hurry up and wait if you will. My personal life is beautiful and messy and I am figuring out what this adulting thing is all about. My work life is a train wreck as I attempt to transition from a busy, yet safe and comfortable job role, into a role where I am out of my league and out of my element. There are days, like today, where I would love to pack a bag and run away. My "people" are moving far away, going through rough patches and relationships, changing careers or they are just...plain...busy. Nothing seems safe, nothing seems concrete, everything seems risky, and I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This feeling, this constant expectancy, this unknowing what life will bring....it is soooo adult. There are times when it is terrifying, and there are times when it is disastrously beautiful. Change is really the only constant and treading water becomes a fine art.
When I was little I had a very clear idea of what life was going to look like. I had an entire life plan, I was going to live next door to my best friend, we were going to marry handsome men, have a few babies and I was going to have a successful career. Life, however, had a different plan. I rarely talk to that best friend, and now raise a challenging child. I am not nearly where I thought I would be in my career, and yet life is still beautiful....most of the time. How disillusioned were we when we were younger, thinking that we would have the same friends and support system our whole life, that things would be comfortable and we would have a clear path, how amazingly naive were we all.
And even so......and even so. On days like today, when I feel like things are just hard. On days when I feel like I am a bad mom, a bad worker, a bad friend. On days when things aren't morose, but they aren't joyful either, even so...on these days I still see the beauty of life. I am still hopeful that the new position will turn into something I love, that the child will see the err of his ways and will turn a new leaf at school, that Pittsburgh Pennsylvania will some how shut the borders and no one else will be able to move there (sorry Judy, couldn't help it), I am still hopeful that this adulting business will all be worth it.... No I know it will all be worth it. We all do hard things, we all have to adult. Life is not fair, but it is worth it. I hope that you find beauty in the breakdowns, and know that I love you.
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