Self Sufficiency vs. Apathy
I've been struggling lately with this idea of self sufficiency vs. apathy. I feel like the more self sufficient I become, the more apathetic I get and that isn't a desired outcome. The last couple of days I have made plans with people and those plans have fallen through for a variety of reasons. This time last year or even a couple of months ago, these events would have devastated me, and I would be angry and reluctant to make plans with these people again. Lately, I just don't let if affect me the way it used to. I'm not sure if this is an apathetic approach or if my value just doesn't depend on the acceptance of others they way it used to.
Apathy can be dangerous because it can harden you and make you less caring There have been times recently when I feel like I don't need the support of anyone and that I am enough for me.This feeling stems from loneliness and disappointment and is largely a big fat lie. We are not designed to live this way, we are designed to need each other, but the more that people disappoint us, the more we lose trust in others and we become reliant on ourselves. I worry that I am becoming a person who feel that they do not need others. I find it harder to trust, and harder to reach out to others. This feeling is bothersome because I don't want to be the type of person who doesn't feel like I need others, but it's hard to dismiss those feelings when it feels that everyone lets you down.
Part of me is proud that I have gotten to a place where I don't allow the actions of others to affect me as much, and part of me is sad that I just don't seem to care anymore. There are many people who I can take or leave now because I have learned that I just can't rely on them. It doesn't mean I love those people any less, but I don't trust them either. It's a terrible feeling not to trust, and it makes you question your own trustworthiness. I find myself second guessing myself almost as much as I second guess others.
Of course there are many people that I trust implicitly, but life makes it hard to connect with those people at times and so I find that I have to rely on myself more often than not. Some of this is due to geography, some of it is due to busy schedules, some of it is self inflicted. When you are doing life largely alone it is hard to place your trust in others, it is hard to open up to people and let them into your life.. Being vulnerable is particularly scary, and so I tend to close off and not open up to others. I do not consider this healthy and I don't recommend it, but it has become a defense mechanism that has served it's purpose so far. I don't know if this apathetic feeling will continue to progress, or if I will find the ability to fully trust people again. I know it is not my desire to live a life of apathy, and I hope to have people in my life who I can do life with completely. Self sufficiency is both a blessing and a curse, and I hope to trust again.
Apathy can be dangerous because it can harden you and make you less caring There have been times recently when I feel like I don't need the support of anyone and that I am enough for me.This feeling stems from loneliness and disappointment and is largely a big fat lie. We are not designed to live this way, we are designed to need each other, but the more that people disappoint us, the more we lose trust in others and we become reliant on ourselves. I worry that I am becoming a person who feel that they do not need others. I find it harder to trust, and harder to reach out to others. This feeling is bothersome because I don't want to be the type of person who doesn't feel like I need others, but it's hard to dismiss those feelings when it feels that everyone lets you down.
Part of me is proud that I have gotten to a place where I don't allow the actions of others to affect me as much, and part of me is sad that I just don't seem to care anymore. There are many people who I can take or leave now because I have learned that I just can't rely on them. It doesn't mean I love those people any less, but I don't trust them either. It's a terrible feeling not to trust, and it makes you question your own trustworthiness. I find myself second guessing myself almost as much as I second guess others.
Of course there are many people that I trust implicitly, but life makes it hard to connect with those people at times and so I find that I have to rely on myself more often than not. Some of this is due to geography, some of it is due to busy schedules, some of it is self inflicted. When you are doing life largely alone it is hard to place your trust in others, it is hard to open up to people and let them into your life.. Being vulnerable is particularly scary, and so I tend to close off and not open up to others. I do not consider this healthy and I don't recommend it, but it has become a defense mechanism that has served it's purpose so far. I don't know if this apathetic feeling will continue to progress, or if I will find the ability to fully trust people again. I know it is not my desire to live a life of apathy, and I hope to have people in my life who I can do life with completely. Self sufficiency is both a blessing and a curse, and I hope to trust again.
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