Through it All
This morning I woke up....... I don't ever think I've appreciated that as much as I did today. I woke up. So did you. So did your loved ones and those they love. We all woke up. My dear friend did not, and she never will again, not on this earth anyway. As last night and today drug on, every minute seemed like a never ending nightmare. I sat alone on my couch, for hours, just paralyzed. I didn't turn on the TV, I just poured a glass of Bourbon and stared into darkness. For once there was not a thought in my head, not a single one, there was no sound, it should have been peaceful bliss, but this was a type of torment I have never experienced, there was nothing. No breathe, no light, no laughter, no banter there was just void. Out of this seemingly never ending silence came as crystal clear anything I have ever heard. "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. "Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, my eyes are on you, and it is well with me".I knew she had sent me those lyrics and the tears began to fall, and in that moment this whole year flashed in front of my eyes. All of the failures, all of the disappointments the heartaches and the tears. All of it replayed in a stunningly clear vignette and it hurt just as bad the second time around. Again I heard "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, my eyes are on you, and it is well with me".
Today I found it hard to breathe when I woke up. I found it hard to get out of bed, and I didn't have energy to even look at Facebook feeds or to answer text messages or calls. Again, I heard: "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, my eyes are on you, and it is well with me. I managed to get down the stairs and to the couch, I managed to thank people for sending kind words and I managed to see the tributes on the Facebook page for my sweet friend. I allowed myself to feel for her children, I allowed myself to feel for her mother, her father and her siblings. I cried for family and friends and I heard it again. I wiped tears and realized that sorrow and pain are for the living. We grieve because we lost someone we loved, it's purely selfish. We grieve because of the pain that it causes US. We realize that our world will never be the same and that is why we mourn. Those who pass have no more pain, they have no more sorrow. They don't have to worry about how to pay a bill, how their children will get to school or when a deadline is past at work. Those who pass do not have to wait for peace on life support, hanging on the hope of others. For those who pass....It is well.
I got off of the couch, took a long soaking bath and got dressed in something other than pajamas and decided to do the only thing I really know how to do. I decided to write about this wonderful person who touched so many lives...who continues to touch so many lives. This friend of mine was a fierce fighter, a hundred and change lbs of pure dynamite, heart, love and warmth. She could light up a room with a smile and she was willing to help anyone no matter the cost. If I could tell her children one thing it would be that their mother is an extraordinary woman, she risked it all to bring her babies into the world when everyone advised her against it. She loves those babies with every dainty bone in her body and that love will live on in them forever. She's speaking to me today, she spoke to me last night, the only way she knew it would get through my thick skull. Through one song lyric: Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all it is well. IT IS WELL WITH ME.
The truth is I will wake up tomorrow, and the day after that, and so will those she left behind. The mundane tasks that we take for granted will forever look a little differently to me. Putting my baby into the car to go to school in the morning will have new meaning, I am not a stranger to losing loved ones, but as a mother it takes on an entirely different meaning. In the last 11 days this friend of mine has taught me so much about how to hope when there is little, how to have faith even when the outcome may not be what I want it to be, and how to attempt to support when you feel utterly helpless. In the last two days she has taught me to stop....allow all of the feelings....and then to be still. IT IS WELL.
If you want to hear the beautiful sound she sent to me, the link is below:
It is Well
I love you Jennie, I will miss you always.
Today I found it hard to breathe when I woke up. I found it hard to get out of bed, and I didn't have energy to even look at Facebook feeds or to answer text messages or calls. Again, I heard: "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, my eyes are on you, and it is well with me. I managed to get down the stairs and to the couch, I managed to thank people for sending kind words and I managed to see the tributes on the Facebook page for my sweet friend. I allowed myself to feel for her children, I allowed myself to feel for her mother, her father and her siblings. I cried for family and friends and I heard it again. I wiped tears and realized that sorrow and pain are for the living. We grieve because we lost someone we loved, it's purely selfish. We grieve because of the pain that it causes US. We realize that our world will never be the same and that is why we mourn. Those who pass have no more pain, they have no more sorrow. They don't have to worry about how to pay a bill, how their children will get to school or when a deadline is past at work. Those who pass do not have to wait for peace on life support, hanging on the hope of others. For those who pass....It is well.
I got off of the couch, took a long soaking bath and got dressed in something other than pajamas and decided to do the only thing I really know how to do. I decided to write about this wonderful person who touched so many lives...who continues to touch so many lives. This friend of mine was a fierce fighter, a hundred and change lbs of pure dynamite, heart, love and warmth. She could light up a room with a smile and she was willing to help anyone no matter the cost. If I could tell her children one thing it would be that their mother is an extraordinary woman, she risked it all to bring her babies into the world when everyone advised her against it. She loves those babies with every dainty bone in her body and that love will live on in them forever. She's speaking to me today, she spoke to me last night, the only way she knew it would get through my thick skull. Through one song lyric: Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all it is well. IT IS WELL WITH ME.
The truth is I will wake up tomorrow, and the day after that, and so will those she left behind. The mundane tasks that we take for granted will forever look a little differently to me. Putting my baby into the car to go to school in the morning will have new meaning, I am not a stranger to losing loved ones, but as a mother it takes on an entirely different meaning. In the last 11 days this friend of mine has taught me so much about how to hope when there is little, how to have faith even when the outcome may not be what I want it to be, and how to attempt to support when you feel utterly helpless. In the last two days she has taught me to stop....allow all of the feelings....and then to be still. IT IS WELL.
If you want to hear the beautiful sound she sent to me, the link is below:
It is Well
I love you Jennie, I will miss you always.
This is beautiful.
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