phD Kick in the Rear
To say this phD journey has been an adventure is an understatement. It has been more of a comedy of errors and I have had my share of being at both the end and the beginning of the joke. There have been many frustrations, many times I wanted to give up, and many times I almost let go of my dream because it just seemed to far from my reach, many sleepless and tearful nights. There have been lots of times I thought "who does this, and why, I must be insane"! I am of course, but not just because I am trying to accomplish the barely possible.
Then 2 weeks ago, after a very hard period of insomnia (12 days of little to no sleep) and writers block, my chair reached out and gave me some simple advice. That advice and guidance flipped a switch and I felt empowered. I was able to give alignment to my proposal, but more than that I seem to gain alignment with my life. The next day I listened to a podcast from Jen Hatmaker with Dr. Brene Brown, which by the way, could you put my two celeb crushes together in a pod cast every single day?! It was in that moment when I realized I deserved some self-grace and I needed to give myself a lot more credit than I had been the last 4 years.
First: I am trying too damn hard to be everything to everyone and still finish this program. I had a particularly hard situation where I caught someone in a lie after I had really tried to be a good friend for a year. Normally, I would do one of two things: 1. I would have sent hurtful things to that person and tried to shame them for not being the person I thought they were, or the person I wanted them to be. 2. I would self loathe and tell myself I didn't do enough, try hard enough or I didn't deserve the friendship in the first place.
In that moment I had complete clarity and I realized, I did do enough, and I don't need to be hurtful, I just need to understand that this person is not for me. They are not meant to be in my life, at least not now, and maybe not again. So I quietly removed myself from their social media pages, deleted their phone number and moved on with life. I felt so aligned to the scope of where my life is going, my life started to form a purpose statement: Love those in your life with everything you have, and love those outside of your life from afar. I can still love this person, they just don't need to be in my life if they don't want to be there.
Second: I do A LOT, and I need to give myself credit for that. It is hard to work all day, come home and mommy till bedtime and then write until I pass out around 11 pm or midnight. It is hard to wake up and do it again the next day, day after day. Add in trying to be a friend, date, remember to call that person on their birthday, answer text messages, think about the future and what goals I am going to accomplish next, how to attend that PTSO (that's the new term for PTA) meeting, how to staff the nursery this week at church.....phew I need a nap, it's A LOT. I don't do any of it perfectly, but I get it all done....somehow. We all do A LOT more than we give ourselves credit for, and we need to give ourselves credit.
I am a terrible friend a lot of the time. I think about calling, I think about sending a message, I may even remember to send you a message on Facebook on your birthday (I really do try to do that daily). There are a million thoughts I have about those I love everyday, but I simply don't have the energy, or I am too tired to communicate them.
Third and most important: I need to stop forcing every.....little.....thing. There are people who are not meant to be in my tribe, there are things I cannot control, and there are limits to my capacity to do....well....everything. I have stopped being so expectant, and have learned to let things come to me as they are meant to come to me. The second I aligned that research, everything in that paper started to fall into place. The same is true with my life. If I just keep myself aligned, practice what I preach, and let others just do their thing....life will and has started to fall into place.
I challenge you friends, to take inventory or the people and things in your life. If they aren't aligned, they will cause you strife. Sometimes it takes the courage to let go and just let God do his magic, but it is so worth it when you do.
Also if you are one of the 40 people who read this blog, know that in a few short weeks I will have a big announcement....the next big dream I plan to accomplish. So if you are interested in my crazy journey.....stay tuned!
Then 2 weeks ago, after a very hard period of insomnia (12 days of little to no sleep) and writers block, my chair reached out and gave me some simple advice. That advice and guidance flipped a switch and I felt empowered. I was able to give alignment to my proposal, but more than that I seem to gain alignment with my life. The next day I listened to a podcast from Jen Hatmaker with Dr. Brene Brown, which by the way, could you put my two celeb crushes together in a pod cast every single day?! It was in that moment when I realized I deserved some self-grace and I needed to give myself a lot more credit than I had been the last 4 years.
First: I am trying too damn hard to be everything to everyone and still finish this program. I had a particularly hard situation where I caught someone in a lie after I had really tried to be a good friend for a year. Normally, I would do one of two things: 1. I would have sent hurtful things to that person and tried to shame them for not being the person I thought they were, or the person I wanted them to be. 2. I would self loathe and tell myself I didn't do enough, try hard enough or I didn't deserve the friendship in the first place.
In that moment I had complete clarity and I realized, I did do enough, and I don't need to be hurtful, I just need to understand that this person is not for me. They are not meant to be in my life, at least not now, and maybe not again. So I quietly removed myself from their social media pages, deleted their phone number and moved on with life. I felt so aligned to the scope of where my life is going, my life started to form a purpose statement: Love those in your life with everything you have, and love those outside of your life from afar. I can still love this person, they just don't need to be in my life if they don't want to be there.
Second: I do A LOT, and I need to give myself credit for that. It is hard to work all day, come home and mommy till bedtime and then write until I pass out around 11 pm or midnight. It is hard to wake up and do it again the next day, day after day. Add in trying to be a friend, date, remember to call that person on their birthday, answer text messages, think about the future and what goals I am going to accomplish next, how to attend that PTSO (that's the new term for PTA) meeting, how to staff the nursery this week at church.....phew I need a nap, it's A LOT. I don't do any of it perfectly, but I get it all done....somehow. We all do A LOT more than we give ourselves credit for, and we need to give ourselves credit.
I am a terrible friend a lot of the time. I think about calling, I think about sending a message, I may even remember to send you a message on Facebook on your birthday (I really do try to do that daily). There are a million thoughts I have about those I love everyday, but I simply don't have the energy, or I am too tired to communicate them.
Third and most important: I need to stop forcing every.....little.....thing. There are people who are not meant to be in my tribe, there are things I cannot control, and there are limits to my capacity to do....well....everything. I have stopped being so expectant, and have learned to let things come to me as they are meant to come to me. The second I aligned that research, everything in that paper started to fall into place. The same is true with my life. If I just keep myself aligned, practice what I preach, and let others just do their thing....life will and has started to fall into place.
I challenge you friends, to take inventory or the people and things in your life. If they aren't aligned, they will cause you strife. Sometimes it takes the courage to let go and just let God do his magic, but it is so worth it when you do.
Also if you are one of the 40 people who read this blog, know that in a few short weeks I will have a big announcement....the next big dream I plan to accomplish. So if you are interested in my crazy journey.....stay tuned!
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