My Frenemy
I have this best friend, and worst enemy. This frenemy has been with me for the majority of my life. She was there in junior high when she called me fat, she was there as I suffered through bulimia and believed that I would never be pretty or worthy of a relationship. She has been in every single one of my relationships, friend or other. She was with me through my divorce when I lost most of my friends. She tells me that I need constant attention and that I cannot be content if I am alone. She judges my parenting and tells me all about the perfect moms out there who are doing it right, while I am flailing. She tells me I'll never finish my dissertation. She tells me that I shouldn't talk to people because they will not like me. She is my constant companion and she feeds off of my fear. She tells me that self-medication will make me feel better and then riddles me with guilt the next day. She tells me I'm needy, she tells me I am a bad person, she tells me I'm selfish and mostly she tells me I am not enough.
That frenemy is self doubt. That frenemy is prevalent in so many lives and she is a destroyer. I have listened to her lies, and at times I have self destructed. I have made many mistakes, placed attention and focus on things or people that were calamitous to my well-being. I have not believed that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I have tried to handle my distress alone.
I have many coping mechanisms, all unhealthy. I have leaned on the acceptance of others, desperately trying to make them like or care for me. I have turned to alcohol, which leads to the desperation of trying to get people to like me. I have "sad shopped", binge watched TV, ate till I couldn't eat anymore....all attempts to feel something. None of it works, and my frenemy laughs and tells me what a fool I am.
There is a time, however, when the mask that frenemy is wearing is ripped off of her ugly face. All is revealed and she is exposed as the dirty liar that she is. In that blaring white light, self-doubt is seen as it really is......a ruthless con artist that want's us to be miserable and take as many people as we can down with us.
No more! In the book "Freefall to Fly" Rebekah Lyons speaks of the need to make everything perfect. She talks of praying for her special needs child to be "whole". When a friend tells her that maybe her "whole" doesn't look the same as God's "whole" she admits to spending an additional 10 years in the darkness of self doubt. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to FIRE my frenemy for good.
I AM fearfully and wonderfully made and I don't need the affirmation of others. I control the eviction of my frenemy. To me, that looks like a lot less wine and a lot more herbal tea.It means going to bed earlier. It means more reading and less TV watching. Less guilt, LESS guilt, LESS GUILT!!! It means filling myself so full that I pour into others. It means realizing that I don't need constant attention, especially not negative or empty attention. It means being the best friend I can possibly be to those who matter to me without the need for reciprocation More salads and less pizza, more yoga and less loafing. More trips to the park with my kid and less "screen time" on my phone. Less comparing my very real and messy life to the perfection portrayed on social media. It means taking those coping mechanisms and throwing them out the window. I don't need to cope, I need to thrive, you need to thrive, WE need to thrive!
I love you guys, and I hope you fire your frenemy and thrive with me.
That frenemy is self doubt. That frenemy is prevalent in so many lives and she is a destroyer. I have listened to her lies, and at times I have self destructed. I have made many mistakes, placed attention and focus on things or people that were calamitous to my well-being. I have not believed that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I have tried to handle my distress alone.
I have many coping mechanisms, all unhealthy. I have leaned on the acceptance of others, desperately trying to make them like or care for me. I have turned to alcohol, which leads to the desperation of trying to get people to like me. I have "sad shopped", binge watched TV, ate till I couldn't eat anymore....all attempts to feel something. None of it works, and my frenemy laughs and tells me what a fool I am.
There is a time, however, when the mask that frenemy is wearing is ripped off of her ugly face. All is revealed and she is exposed as the dirty liar that she is. In that blaring white light, self-doubt is seen as it really is......a ruthless con artist that want's us to be miserable and take as many people as we can down with us.
No more! In the book "Freefall to Fly" Rebekah Lyons speaks of the need to make everything perfect. She talks of praying for her special needs child to be "whole". When a friend tells her that maybe her "whole" doesn't look the same as God's "whole" she admits to spending an additional 10 years in the darkness of self doubt. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to FIRE my frenemy for good.
I AM fearfully and wonderfully made and I don't need the affirmation of others. I control the eviction of my frenemy. To me, that looks like a lot less wine and a lot more herbal tea.It means going to bed earlier. It means more reading and less TV watching. Less guilt, LESS guilt, LESS GUILT!!! It means filling myself so full that I pour into others. It means realizing that I don't need constant attention, especially not negative or empty attention. It means being the best friend I can possibly be to those who matter to me without the need for reciprocation More salads and less pizza, more yoga and less loafing. More trips to the park with my kid and less "screen time" on my phone. Less comparing my very real and messy life to the perfection portrayed on social media. It means taking those coping mechanisms and throwing them out the window. I don't need to cope, I need to thrive, you need to thrive, WE need to thrive!
I love you guys, and I hope you fire your frenemy and thrive with me.
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