This too Shall Pass
Sometimes I feel like I have lost my identity which sometimes means that when I ditch the "mommy" label for a couple of hours I may go a little overboard trying to be the old me. I had some scheduled time to myself each week, but that is coming to an end. I feel a little overwhelmed by my lack of identity again, but if I take a step back I realize that this too shall pass. My little boy will not always need me to pick him up from school, and will not always want me to watch PBS kids all the freaking time with him. He will rush upstairs to his room and play video games online and will not even give a thought to his Mom. I will have my time to myself, and probably too much of it. Granted I will also be old as dirt by this time but who cares. Whenever I find myself getting selfish God has a way of taking away the freedom I enjoyed. Maybe I abused the freetime I had and so I need to take a step back and realize that my little boy will only be little for so long.
I already feel incredibly guilty that he spends 10 hours a day at daycare because I work out of the home and have a two hour commute each day round trip. I already feel guilty that sometimes I would rather steam clean my floors in peace than watch the Backyardigans for the umpteenth millionth time. This additional time together just means that I will be able to spend more time making up that time.
It is frustrating to feel like all you are is a Mom who works outside of the home, but it is also rewarding to be Mom. It is hard to never have time alone, to bathe with an audience to clean only to have it destroyed in minutes. But even as I am kicked in the middle of the night and get very little sleep because he is laying on top of me, it is the morning cuddles and the "Mommy you look beautifuls" (all while in sweatpants and no make up) that make it all worthwhile. He's only 4 for 11 more months. This is not the time for Mommy to be selfish. My time will come again.
So here's to writing my dissertation in the dark in bed at 9pm because he is FINALLY asleep, but won't sleep without me in bed with him. Here's to cleaning my house at 4:30am because he is STILL asleep but will be awake by 6 guaranteed. Here's to a few more years of not having control of the remote for even one show. To putting laundry away while he's in the tub because it is the only time he is contained. Here's to all of these things that seem to be hard, but that I will truly miss in a couple of years when he doesn't want anything to do with me.
I already feel incredibly guilty that he spends 10 hours a day at daycare because I work out of the home and have a two hour commute each day round trip. I already feel guilty that sometimes I would rather steam clean my floors in peace than watch the Backyardigans for the umpteenth millionth time. This additional time together just means that I will be able to spend more time making up that time.
It is frustrating to feel like all you are is a Mom who works outside of the home, but it is also rewarding to be Mom. It is hard to never have time alone, to bathe with an audience to clean only to have it destroyed in minutes. But even as I am kicked in the middle of the night and get very little sleep because he is laying on top of me, it is the morning cuddles and the "Mommy you look beautifuls" (all while in sweatpants and no make up) that make it all worthwhile. He's only 4 for 11 more months. This is not the time for Mommy to be selfish. My time will come again.
So here's to writing my dissertation in the dark in bed at 9pm because he is FINALLY asleep, but won't sleep without me in bed with him. Here's to cleaning my house at 4:30am because he is STILL asleep but will be awake by 6 guaranteed. Here's to a few more years of not having control of the remote for even one show. To putting laundry away while he's in the tub because it is the only time he is contained. Here's to all of these things that seem to be hard, but that I will truly miss in a couple of years when he doesn't want anything to do with me.
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