Buck up Sunshine, Better Days will Come
Last weekend it snowed in Denver, all....weekend.....long. Spring snow storms are not uncommon in Denver, but every year during this season the grey days seem to be fresh wounds. That same cloud and coldness that was outside was sadly inside as well in our home. It was a rough day for the husband and I was in the throws of edits for the Chapter one of my dissertation. I was feeling frustrated, impatient and on the verge of throwing in the towel. Sometimes we think we have a firm grasp of our plan but our perception is so one sided. It is hard to fathom that there is a "correct" way to do something......in the dissertation process there most definitely is, and I was not prepared for it.
I am not one to hold grudges or to throw pity parties, but I have been the pity party animal as of late. I have been contemplating why everything is harder for me than my peers, why I got the short end of the stick with the academic process and my former chair, why my child is so challenging, why my spouse is sad and of course the only conclusion I could come up with is that I did something wrong. WHOA! This mindset is self-defecating, deflating and so MOM-LIKE.
I have been in a blame spiral, so unhealthy, it is everyone INCLUDING my fault. The actuality is that it is no ones fault that the process of life seems harder for me. In fact, when I take a look around, I have it pretty darn easy. We are slaves to our immediate perception, and our minds like to escalate issues and circumstances so that we feel overwhelmed, under prepared and helpless. We are anything but helpless.
Brene Brown, who I have a mild obsession with lately, talks about how we have a repulsion to failure. Much of the overwhelming fears and feelings I feel are rooted in the fear of failure. I have become overly sensitive to all critique and feel like the work I have done up till now is terribly unacceptable. The reality is that I don't know what I don't know, and I have people who are willing to teach me the ways to succeed, I'm just too scarred and damaged to embrace the guidance.
The sun came up in pure brilliance Monday morning. A new day, a new week a new opportunity to ditch the ego and embrace what I have and where I am going. Sarah Addison Allen states: She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you are transitioning from one version of yourself to another. I am in a transition, in many ways. We are all in a transition because the only constant is change, evolution of self and continual growth. Some of us grow like weeds,easy, carefree and barely tolerated. Some of us grow like butterflies, a process I can't imagine is without pain or even a diamond forged by going through literal fire and pressure. I would rather be a diamond....it's all worth it....don't you think?
I am not one to hold grudges or to throw pity parties, but I have been the pity party animal as of late. I have been contemplating why everything is harder for me than my peers, why I got the short end of the stick with the academic process and my former chair, why my child is so challenging, why my spouse is sad and of course the only conclusion I could come up with is that I did something wrong. WHOA! This mindset is self-defecating, deflating and so MOM-LIKE.
I have been in a blame spiral, so unhealthy, it is everyone INCLUDING my fault. The actuality is that it is no ones fault that the process of life seems harder for me. In fact, when I take a look around, I have it pretty darn easy. We are slaves to our immediate perception, and our minds like to escalate issues and circumstances so that we feel overwhelmed, under prepared and helpless. We are anything but helpless.
Brene Brown, who I have a mild obsession with lately, talks about how we have a repulsion to failure. Much of the overwhelming fears and feelings I feel are rooted in the fear of failure. I have become overly sensitive to all critique and feel like the work I have done up till now is terribly unacceptable. The reality is that I don't know what I don't know, and I have people who are willing to teach me the ways to succeed, I'm just too scarred and damaged to embrace the guidance.
The sun came up in pure brilliance Monday morning. A new day, a new week a new opportunity to ditch the ego and embrace what I have and where I am going. Sarah Addison Allen states: She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you are transitioning from one version of yourself to another. I am in a transition, in many ways. We are all in a transition because the only constant is change, evolution of self and continual growth. Some of us grow like weeds,easy, carefree and barely tolerated. Some of us grow like butterflies, a process I can't imagine is without pain or even a diamond forged by going through literal fire and pressure. I would rather be a diamond....it's all worth it....don't you think?
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