The Superwoman Complex

So it's the month of thankfulness, and I am sure we are all beginning to see the term #blessed across our social media feeds. While I wholeheartedly believe in gratefulness, I feel that we throw that term blessed around a little too much.  This term "blessed" was addressed by my pastor in service this week and he stated: blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the earth....well I must be the queen inheriting the most glittery thrown of all as of late. I do not mean to sound cynical or to flash a crisis of faith into the faces of friends or family, but when will I be "blessed" enough based on the definition of my pastor.  I am going to straight talk with you for a bit....I am grateful to breathe daily, I am grateful for a sweet and loving little boy, I am grateful for friends and family who love me, but I am not grateful for my "blessings", those things that make me poor in spirit. I am "blessed" enough and I would thank you to...

I've been struggling lately with this idea of self sufficiency vs. apathy.  I feel like the more self sufficient I become, the more apathetic I get and that isn't a desired outcome. The last couple of days I have made plans with people and those plans have fallen through for a variety of reasons.  This time last year or even a couple of months ago, these events would have devastated me, and I would be angry and reluctant to make plans with these people again.  Lately, I just don't let if affect me the way it used to. I'm not sure if this is an apathetic approach or if my value just doesn't depend on the acceptance of others they way it used to. Apathy can be dangerous because it can harden you and make you less caring There have been times recently when I feel like I don't need the support of anyone and that I am enough for me.This feeling stems from loneliness and disappointment and is largely a big fat lie.  We are not designed to live this way, we are desig...

Tonight I reflect on "fitting in".  I spent a great deal of time in my youth trying to "fit in".  I had a TON of friends and I made them the end all be all priority. I poured everything into how people saw me. One day I woke up.....all my friends had disappeared and I was left alone to deal with really hard crap. I'm not saying I didn't still have a few amazing friends, but those relationships that I poured into, that I made a priority, I realized they were superficial.  Those who stuck around for the poop of life....those were my people. I thought........If I friended hard enough, I would Carrie and have my Marriah, Samantha and Charlotte. What a CROCK! At some point I woke and realized that I won't ever have that Sex in the City, or Golden Girls tribe of four friends. Oh don't get me wrong I have my  tribe, but they don't live in the same house or even the same alphabet city.  They don't even really know each other.  My Cosmo loving, or h...

It is 8:30pm in my house. It is quiet, the only sounds are the acoustic music playing on Spotify and eggs boiling on the stove.  The wee one is in bed and I have just opened my computer to get some work accomplished.  This is the last week before I am back in class and this time will be filled with paper writing and discussion questions.....and then likely some more work, because let's face it...the work is just never done. My beam is always full and I am told I do not have a work/life balance, and so I ponder.........what is this balance thing others speak of. This is a life I have chosen:To be a parent, have a career and obtain a PhD degree.These are not things that happened to me, I made cognitive choices and these choices just so happen to make me very busy and force me to juggle, not balance.  The truth is, I'm good at it for a while.  I can make the carpool, PTSO, school and work look easy.  It can all live on the beam (if you don't know this reference o...

My house is eerily quiet this evening.  The little people mc nugget got in trouble at school today, so he is sequestered to his room. This of course makes me the worst mommy in the world because he can't play or watch TV this evening.  The day at work was a little rough due to lack of sleep, changing expectations and the overall feeling of being overwhelmed.  I came home to the usual smell of dogs who can't seem to hold their bladder, or who simply don't care that I have a nose. The overall theme of the day can be summed up in one, solitary, word...HARD. It wasn't a bad day, it was just hard. The day was uncomfortable, a little restless and just unnerving.  I am in the middle of a life of transition, hurry up and wait if you will.  My personal life is beautiful and messy and I am figuring out what this adulting thing is all about.  My work life is a train wreck as I attempt to transition from a busy, yet safe and comfortable job role, into a role where I ...

I have this best friend, and worst enemy.  This frenemy has been with me for the majority of my life. She was there in junior high when she called me fat, she was there as I suffered through bulimia and believed that I would never be pretty or worthy of a relationship. She has been in every single one of my relationships, friend or other. She was with me through my divorce when I lost most of my friends.  She tells me that I need constant attention and that I cannot be content if I am alone.  She judges my parenting and tells me all about the perfect moms out there who are doing it right, while I am flailing. She tells me I'll never finish my dissertation. She tells me that I shouldn't talk to people because they will not like me.  She is my constant companion and she feeds off of my fear. She tells me that self-medication will make me feel better and then riddles me with guilt the next day. She tells me I'm needy, she tells me I am a bad person, she tells me I'm sel...

Sometimes life just sucks you know.  You have these preconceived ideas about what your life is going to be like "when you grow up" and rarely do those plans come to fruition. We get caught up in this idea of contentment and success and when life doesn't go our way we consider ourselves failures. We compare ourselves to the social media versions of people we don't even know. The truth is NONE of us are as we portray ourselves to be. We are all facing unspeakable struggles and none of us can claim that our lives are the way we ideally pictured them.   I am here to say to all of you who are living the life you didn't picture.....I see you. I see you mommas who didn't plan to have your little or the multiple littles, therefore thwarting their plans to continue school, work your corporate job, become Miss America... I see you sister who didn't plan on being a single parent....I see you brother who tried with all your might but just couldn't make it work, I ...