The Superwoman Complex

Have you ever seen the movie Elizabethtown? If you haven't I will wait, when you come back, you let me know......You're welcome. There is this profound line spoken in that movie.  A quote that has remained with me every single day.  We are intrepid.....we carry on.  Spoken by Sigourney Weaver there is nothing more penetrating to your soul. There is also no greater truth. No matter what happens, the poop smeared on the wall, the dirty dishes you can't quite get to, the countless heartaches, joys, troubles and precious moments....every.....single.....day.....we are intrepid and we indeed carry on. I think of another scene in my other favorite movie, Garden State, where Zach Braff is sitting on this airplane and it is crashing. As the chaos is mounting he closes his eyes and just accepts. I feel like I am Zach Braff, sitting on my airplane of life as it is crashing around me and I have no choice but to close my eyes and accept...except that I call it trust. My last post ...

This morning I woke up....... I don't ever think I've appreciated that as much as I did today.  I woke up. So did you. So did your loved ones and those they love.  We all woke up. My dear friend did not, and she never will again, not on this earth anyway. As last night and today drug on, every minute seemed like a never ending nightmare. I sat alone on my couch, for hours, just paralyzed.  I didn't turn on the TV, I just poured a glass of Bourbon and stared into darkness. For once there was not a thought in my head, not a single one, there was no sound, it should have been peaceful bliss, but this was a type of torment I have never experienced, there was nothing. No breathe, no light, no laughter, no banter there was just void. Out of this seemingly never ending silence came as crystal clear anything I have ever heard. "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. "Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, my eyes are on you, and it is well...

I got a whole five exits from the restaurant before the tears started to involuntarily fall.  The restaurant where I had a wonderful dinner with one of my best friends for the last time for a little while.  It's fitting that the place we had our "see you later" meal was the same place where a few short months ago she told me she was moving with her family to Pittsburgh. For those who know me, you know that I am a fairly guarded person. I keep my cards close and I don't let many people in.  Most of my "friendships" are surface level and that is something that I am not proud of.  But every now and then someone breaks through, and there is risk involved in letting that occur.  In this case that risk is and was and will continue to be well worth it. On the way home I had an ironic  (ironic because of who the conversation was with) and poignant (also poignant because of who the conversation was with) conversation about the risk of letting people in.  Th...

So it's the month of thankfulness, and I am sure we are all beginning to see the term #blessed across our social media feeds. While I wholeheartedly believe in gratefulness, I feel that we throw that term blessed around a little too much.  This term "blessed" was addressed by my pastor in service this week and he stated: blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the earth....well I must be the queen inheriting the most glittery thrown of all as of late. I do not mean to sound cynical or to flash a crisis of faith into the faces of friends or family, but when will I be "blessed" enough based on the definition of my pastor.  I am going to straight talk with you for a bit....I am grateful to breathe daily, I am grateful for a sweet and loving little boy, I am grateful for friends and family who love me, but I am not grateful for my "blessings", those things that make me poor in spirit. I am "blessed" enough and I would thank you to...

I've been struggling lately with this idea of self sufficiency vs. apathy.  I feel like the more self sufficient I become, the more apathetic I get and that isn't a desired outcome. The last couple of days I have made plans with people and those plans have fallen through for a variety of reasons.  This time last year or even a couple of months ago, these events would have devastated me, and I would be angry and reluctant to make plans with these people again.  Lately, I just don't let if affect me the way it used to. I'm not sure if this is an apathetic approach or if my value just doesn't depend on the acceptance of others they way it used to. Apathy can be dangerous because it can harden you and make you less caring There have been times recently when I feel like I don't need the support of anyone and that I am enough for me.This feeling stems from loneliness and disappointment and is largely a big fat lie.  We are not designed to live this way, we are desig...

Tonight I reflect on "fitting in".  I spent a great deal of time in my youth trying to "fit in".  I had a TON of friends and I made them the end all be all priority. I poured everything into how people saw me. One day I woke up.....all my friends had disappeared and I was left alone to deal with really hard crap. I'm not saying I didn't still have a few amazing friends, but those relationships that I poured into, that I made a priority, I realized they were superficial.  Those who stuck around for the poop of life....those were my people. I thought........If I friended hard enough, I would Carrie and have my Marriah, Samantha and Charlotte. What a CROCK! At some point I woke and realized that I won't ever have that Sex in the City, or Golden Girls tribe of four friends. Oh don't get me wrong I have my  tribe, but they don't live in the same house or even the same alphabet city.  They don't even really know each other.  My Cosmo loving, or h...

It is 8:30pm in my house. It is quiet, the only sounds are the acoustic music playing on Spotify and eggs boiling on the stove.  The wee one is in bed and I have just opened my computer to get some work accomplished.  This is the last week before I am back in class and this time will be filled with paper writing and discussion questions.....and then likely some more work, because let's face it...the work is just never done. My beam is always full and I am told I do not have a work/life balance, and so I ponder.........what is this balance thing others speak of. This is a life I have chosen:To be a parent, have a career and obtain a PhD degree.These are not things that happened to me, I made cognitive choices and these choices just so happen to make me very busy and force me to juggle, not balance.  The truth is, I'm good at it for a while.  I can make the carpool, PTSO, school and work look easy.  It can all live on the beam (if you don't know this reference o...