The Superwoman Complex

This week gave me a lot of changes both elating and terrifying. With the help of my caring Ex I leased a new car, giving me a car payment for the first time in 5 years.  We transitioned to the split custody of our son, and my son met a new friend (mommy's friend).  All of these changes were scary....bittersweet.  As I sat signing the paperwork for my new car, which I love, I couldn't control the tears, and they fell freely. I mourned the loss of my car that drove my baby since he was one year old.  The vehicle that took him to his first day of pre-school and Kindergarten.  I mourned the time I would no longer spend arguing with him to do his homework or get ready for bed.  And I realized how this was the end of my old life, the actual end.   I know that change is necessary sometime, but you can't help but mourn what was. I think that change is something that we fear because it is something that we cannot control. We can certainly try, but change wil...

Then surely I am merely 21 with 18 years of experience right? I am having a hard time believing that in 3 days I will have a six year old, and in 5 short days I will be 40.....WHAT?! How in the actual hell did this happen?!  The good news is that I MOSTLY don't feel 40.  I do what I can to stay healthy, and I am sure that running after that lil ball of energy doesn't hurt anything.  What do you do to stay young? I will have 2 announcements the day after my birthday, so you will want to stay tuned, but for today I want to talk to you about something I am trying to learn right now, and that is setting personal boundaries. I am the queen of "I can do it". Doesn't matter what it is, I am confident that I can do it, and I can do it ALL BY MYSELF.....do I sound like my 6 year old, or what?! I say yes far more than I should, and I offer help, when in all  honesty, I have no business helping.  I want to be available to those I love, but I am learning that there is o...

You readers who have been with me awhile have read about my epic emotional breakdowns, my "hilarious to everyone but me" calamities and my downright ugly crying failures. I am not good with failure and life transitions, I don't know many who are. And.....So.......again..... I'm entering another transition in life, the true single parent transition complete with the relinquishing of bedtime stories two weeks of the month.  I also coupled this with the failure to submit a suitable proposal to continue the dissertation process. So I did what any rational girl would do....I had a full on cry it out, lose myself in emotion, over analyze to the point of exhaustion breakdown. I wouldn't say it was the worst breakdown I've ever had, but it was a decent one.  There were a couple of individuals that made this one an easier pill to swallow.  One offered some straight talk that I needed to hear, some advice that I didn't take and most importantly a new perspective. ...

To say this phD journey has been an adventure is an understatement.  It has been more of a comedy of errors and I have had my share of being at both the end and the beginning of the joke.  There have been many frustrations, many times I wanted to give up, and many times I almost let go of my dream because it just seemed to far from my reach, many sleepless and tearful nights. There have been lots of times I thought "who does this, and why, I must be insane"! I am of course, but not just because I am trying to accomplish the barely possible. Then 2 weeks ago, after a very hard period of insomnia (12 days of little to no sleep) and writers block, my chair reached out and gave me some simple advice.  That advice and guidance flipped a switch and I felt empowered.  I was able to give alignment to my proposal, but more than that I seem to gain alignment with my life.  The next day I listened to a podcast from Jen Hatmaker with Dr. Brene Brown, which by the way, cou...

As I end week 5 of my third dissertation class, I am beginning to panic! I had a major week of personal....just personal. I haven't slept in 8 days and as I went to finish my elevator speech and go to record it I......just.....could......not. I will be a day late on this  assignment and will record it in all my exhausted glory, with my baggy eyes, still fresh from tears and exhaustion.  This is particularly frustrating for me as I finish a micro learning course on public speaking. I started the process of going through edits and while I am hopeful that I will have this proposal "mostly" ready for submittal, I worry that I will be soooo close, just not close enough.  Sadly, I am pouring out of a cup that is experiencing serious drought, and I am just so discouraged with myself.  I want to write every day, I want to be diligent and fight the good fight, but I am exhausted. The business of kid going back to school, divorce,  trying to be it all, the murder of a f...

It has been a couple of weeks.  There have been all these things.  Little things........big things.........things. I am feeling that all of my people are also feeling the things. My friends are dealing with family things, money things, changing gender things, marriage things, woman things, man things and all the things in between. there are all of this things.....am I right? I've been dealing with a few specific things the last couple of weeks, and in the spirit of transparency, I'd like to share them with you 10 readers. 1st thing: the never ending dissertation. OMG! as I get further along with what seems like zero progress, I am so discouraged by this thing.  I am finding the never ending not good enough has become this life sucking tax that I feel I will never fully pay. I have lost the motivation to continue, the motivation to finish, and the motivation to write. I can think of 1001 things I would rather do than re-write the thing I've re-written 100 times. Holy sou...

We have a serious problem facing our society and it almost destroyed me personally.  We have become fixated with creating our highlight reels and not facing our life messes.  Social media has made it convenient to post our lives in the best light, and by doing so we mask our vulnerability and our need for real connection.  We display beautiful smiling faces and check into amazing vacation spots, and post our angelic children behaving well.  What we don't realize is that we are displaying a false image of our lives and someone else is judging themselves based on our posts.  Because we know the dirty secrets about our lives, we in turn, look at other highlight reels of friends and family and feel that we are less than.  We know in our heart of hearts that they do not air their dirt online either, and yes we still feel compelled to feel like our lives suck so hard compared to our friends. We put ourselves down for not posting "sweat pictures" (ladies I ...

Those in my tribe understand the irony if this title. I am not the most graceful when faced with disappointment. In fact disappointment makes me cranky at best and irate at worst. Those who have followed my doctoral journey are well aware of the grievances I have experienced with the University of Phoenix and their administrative department. The grievance began with an unresponsive chair and has now ended with a formal grievance that took 4 months to receive a response. After this lack of response, from the administration team and the grievance department, it has been determined that my complaint is unfounded and I am left funding two classes that were a waste of time  and should have been reimbursed because of an inadequate chair and a terrible for profit business model. When students become nothing more than a revenue center there is something wrong with the  system. My highest student loan  interest rate is currently at 14% which means it is cheaper to buy a house or...

If you are a parent, you know that kid. The one kid who defies his/her parents, who talks back and doesn't listen, who takes things without asking and makes messes without any desire to pick things up.  You know the kid who throws horrendous tantrums and defies everyone and everything, who interrupts when grown ups are talking.  This kid hits friends and throws things in rage. You may judge the parents thinking "why can't they control their kid", "why aren't they disciplining him/her", "they must not be good parents, my child never acts that bad".  While it is so tempting to have these thoughts, if you could really spend one day in the life of that parent, with THAT child, you may have a different perspective. I am the mother of THAT kid.  He has at least one referral a week and has been suspended four times this year.  He's 5 and in kindergarten. I get almost daily calls from his school and at home he is also hard to manage, many times b...

I haven't written much lately, mostly because the division in our country has been a bit overwhelming. I haven't written because I am saddened by the state of our human race and what we have become, but mostly I haven't written lately because there are more important things to talk about than whether a hateful man can build a wall, strip away healthcare for millions or take revert women back to oppressive times past.  What is more important is deciding who we are and who we are not, and not being swayed by media, peers, family or friends. I struggle with writing this post because it tells anyone reading exactly where I stand on controversial issues, where they may not usually be able to figure it out.  It makes me vulnerable, and may change the way some view me.  It is how I feel and where I stand, and although it is scary, it is who I am....and who I am not. I am a Christian, I believe in a God who loves me and loves us all.  I am a lover of all races, and feel th...

Have you ever seen the movie Elizabethtown? If you haven't I will wait, when you come back, you let me know......You're welcome. There is this profound line spoken in that movie.  A quote that has remained with me every single day.  We are intrepid.....we carry on.  Spoken by Sigourney Weaver there is nothing more penetrating to your soul. There is also no greater truth. No matter what happens, the poop smeared on the wall, the dirty dishes you can't quite get to, the countless heartaches, joys, troubles and precious moments....every.....single.....day.....we are intrepid and we indeed carry on. I think of another scene in my other favorite movie, Garden State, where Zach Braff is sitting on this airplane and it is crashing. As the chaos is mounting he closes his eyes and just accepts. I feel like I am Zach Braff, sitting on my airplane of life as it is crashing around me and I have no choice but to close my eyes and accept...except that I call it trust. My last post ...

This morning I woke up....... I don't ever think I've appreciated that as much as I did today.  I woke up. So did you. So did your loved ones and those they love.  We all woke up. My dear friend did not, and she never will again, not on this earth anyway. As last night and today drug on, every minute seemed like a never ending nightmare. I sat alone on my couch, for hours, just paralyzed.  I didn't turn on the TV, I just poured a glass of Bourbon and stared into darkness. For once there was not a thought in my head, not a single one, there was no sound, it should have been peaceful bliss, but this was a type of torment I have never experienced, there was nothing. No breathe, no light, no laughter, no banter there was just void. Out of this seemingly never ending silence came as crystal clear anything I have ever heard. "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. "Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, my eyes are on you, and it is well...

I got a whole five exits from the restaurant before the tears started to involuntarily fall.  The restaurant where I had a wonderful dinner with one of my best friends for the last time for a little while.  It's fitting that the place we had our "see you later" meal was the same place where a few short months ago she told me she was moving with her family to Pittsburgh. For those who know me, you know that I am a fairly guarded person. I keep my cards close and I don't let many people in.  Most of my "friendships" are surface level and that is something that I am not proud of.  But every now and then someone breaks through, and there is risk involved in letting that occur.  In this case that risk is and was and will continue to be well worth it. On the way home I had an ironic  (ironic because of who the conversation was with) and poignant (also poignant because of who the conversation was with) conversation about the risk of letting people in.  Th...

So it's the month of thankfulness, and I am sure we are all beginning to see the term #blessed across our social media feeds. While I wholeheartedly believe in gratefulness, I feel that we throw that term blessed around a little too much.  This term "blessed" was addressed by my pastor in service this week and he stated: blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the earth....well I must be the queen inheriting the most glittery thrown of all as of late. I do not mean to sound cynical or to flash a crisis of faith into the faces of friends or family, but when will I be "blessed" enough based on the definition of my pastor.  I am going to straight talk with you for a bit....I am grateful to breathe daily, I am grateful for a sweet and loving little boy, I am grateful for friends and family who love me, but I am not grateful for my "blessings", those things that make me poor in spirit. I am "blessed" enough and I would thank you to...

I've been struggling lately with this idea of self sufficiency vs. apathy.  I feel like the more self sufficient I become, the more apathetic I get and that isn't a desired outcome. The last couple of days I have made plans with people and those plans have fallen through for a variety of reasons.  This time last year or even a couple of months ago, these events would have devastated me, and I would be angry and reluctant to make plans with these people again.  Lately, I just don't let if affect me the way it used to. I'm not sure if this is an apathetic approach or if my value just doesn't depend on the acceptance of others they way it used to. Apathy can be dangerous because it can harden you and make you less caring There have been times recently when I feel like I don't need the support of anyone and that I am enough for me.This feeling stems from loneliness and disappointment and is largely a big fat lie.  We are not designed to live this way, we are desig...

Tonight I reflect on "fitting in".  I spent a great deal of time in my youth trying to "fit in".  I had a TON of friends and I made them the end all be all priority. I poured everything into how people saw me. One day I woke up.....all my friends had disappeared and I was left alone to deal with really hard crap. I'm not saying I didn't still have a few amazing friends, but those relationships that I poured into, that I made a priority, I realized they were superficial.  Those who stuck around for the poop of life....those were my people. I thought........If I friended hard enough, I would Carrie and have my Marriah, Samantha and Charlotte. What a CROCK! At some point I woke and realized that I won't ever have that Sex in the City, or Golden Girls tribe of four friends. Oh don't get me wrong I have my  tribe, but they don't live in the same house or even the same alphabet city.  They don't even really know each other.  My Cosmo loving, or h...

It is 8:30pm in my house. It is quiet, the only sounds are the acoustic music playing on Spotify and eggs boiling on the stove.  The wee one is in bed and I have just opened my computer to get some work accomplished.  This is the last week before I am back in class and this time will be filled with paper writing and discussion questions.....and then likely some more work, because let's face it...the work is just never done. My beam is always full and I am told I do not have a work/life balance, and so I ponder.........what is this balance thing others speak of. This is a life I have chosen:To be a parent, have a career and obtain a PhD degree.These are not things that happened to me, I made cognitive choices and these choices just so happen to make me very busy and force me to juggle, not balance.  The truth is, I'm good at it for a while.  I can make the carpool, PTSO, school and work look easy.  It can all live on the beam (if you don't know this reference o...

My house is eerily quiet this evening.  The little people mc nugget got in trouble at school today, so he is sequestered to his room. This of course makes me the worst mommy in the world because he can't play or watch TV this evening.  The day at work was a little rough due to lack of sleep, changing expectations and the overall feeling of being overwhelmed.  I came home to the usual smell of dogs who can't seem to hold their bladder, or who simply don't care that I have a nose. The overall theme of the day can be summed up in one, solitary, word...HARD. It wasn't a bad day, it was just hard. The day was uncomfortable, a little restless and just unnerving.  I am in the middle of a life of transition, hurry up and wait if you will.  My personal life is beautiful and messy and I am figuring out what this adulting thing is all about.  My work life is a train wreck as I attempt to transition from a busy, yet safe and comfortable job role, into a role where I ...

I have this best friend, and worst enemy.  This frenemy has been with me for the majority of my life. She was there in junior high when she called me fat, she was there as I suffered through bulimia and believed that I would never be pretty or worthy of a relationship. She has been in every single one of my relationships, friend or other. She was with me through my divorce when I lost most of my friends.  She tells me that I need constant attention and that I cannot be content if I am alone.  She judges my parenting and tells me all about the perfect moms out there who are doing it right, while I am flailing. She tells me I'll never finish my dissertation. She tells me that I shouldn't talk to people because they will not like me.  She is my constant companion and she feeds off of my fear. She tells me that self-medication will make me feel better and then riddles me with guilt the next day. She tells me I'm needy, she tells me I am a bad person, she tells me I'm sel...

Sometimes life just sucks you know.  You have these preconceived ideas about what your life is going to be like "when you grow up" and rarely do those plans come to fruition. We get caught up in this idea of contentment and success and when life doesn't go our way we consider ourselves failures. We compare ourselves to the social media versions of people we don't even know. The truth is NONE of us are as we portray ourselves to be. We are all facing unspeakable struggles and none of us can claim that our lives are the way we ideally pictured them.   I am here to say to all of you who are living the life you didn't picture.....I see you. I see you mommas who didn't plan to have your little or the multiple littles, therefore thwarting their plans to continue school, work your corporate job, become Miss America... I see you sister who didn't plan on being a single parent....I see you brother who tried with all your might but just couldn't make it work, I ...