The Superwoman Complex

This morning I woke up....... I don't ever think I've appreciated that as much as I did today.  I woke up. So did you. So did your loved ones and those they love.  We all woke up. My dear friend did not, and she never will again, not on this earth anyway. As last night and today drug on, every minute seemed like a never ending nightmare. I sat alone on my couch, for hours, just paralyzed.  I didn't turn on the TV, I just poured a glass of Bourbon and stared into darkness. For once there was not a thought in my head, not a single one, there was no sound, it should have been peaceful bliss, but this was a type of torment I have never experienced, there was nothing. No breathe, no light, no laughter, no banter there was just void. Out of this seemingly never ending silence came as crystal clear anything I have ever heard. "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. "Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, my eyes are on you, and it is well...

I got a whole five exits from the restaurant before the tears started to involuntarily fall.  The restaurant where I had a wonderful dinner with one of my best friends for the last time for a little while.  It's fitting that the place we had our "see you later" meal was the same place where a few short months ago she told me she was moving with her family to Pittsburgh. For those who know me, you know that I am a fairly guarded person. I keep my cards close and I don't let many people in.  Most of my "friendships" are surface level and that is something that I am not proud of.  But every now and then someone breaks through, and there is risk involved in letting that occur.  In this case that risk is and was and will continue to be well worth it. On the way home I had an ironic  (ironic because of who the conversation was with) and poignant (also poignant because of who the conversation was with) conversation about the risk of letting people in.  Th...

So it's the month of thankfulness, and I am sure we are all beginning to see the term #blessed across our social media feeds. While I wholeheartedly believe in gratefulness, I feel that we throw that term blessed around a little too much.  This term "blessed" was addressed by my pastor in service this week and he stated: blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the earth....well I must be the queen inheriting the most glittery thrown of all as of late. I do not mean to sound cynical or to flash a crisis of faith into the faces of friends or family, but when will I be "blessed" enough based on the definition of my pastor.  I am going to straight talk with you for a bit....I am grateful to breathe daily, I am grateful for a sweet and loving little boy, I am grateful for friends and family who love me, but I am not grateful for my "blessings", those things that make me poor in spirit. I am "blessed" enough and I would thank you to...

I've been struggling lately with this idea of self sufficiency vs. apathy.  I feel like the more self sufficient I become, the more apathetic I get and that isn't a desired outcome. The last couple of days I have made plans with people and those plans have fallen through for a variety of reasons.  This time last year or even a couple of months ago, these events would have devastated me, and I would be angry and reluctant to make plans with these people again.  Lately, I just don't let if affect me the way it used to. I'm not sure if this is an apathetic approach or if my value just doesn't depend on the acceptance of others they way it used to. Apathy can be dangerous because it can harden you and make you less caring There have been times recently when I feel like I don't need the support of anyone and that I am enough for me.This feeling stems from loneliness and disappointment and is largely a big fat lie.  We are not designed to live this way, we are desig...

Tonight I reflect on "fitting in".  I spent a great deal of time in my youth trying to "fit in".  I had a TON of friends and I made them the end all be all priority. I poured everything into how people saw me. One day I woke up.....all my friends had disappeared and I was left alone to deal with really hard crap. I'm not saying I didn't still have a few amazing friends, but those relationships that I poured into, that I made a priority, I realized they were superficial.  Those who stuck around for the poop of life....those were my people. I thought........If I friended hard enough, I would Carrie and have my Marriah, Samantha and Charlotte. What a CROCK! At some point I woke and realized that I won't ever have that Sex in the City, or Golden Girls tribe of four friends. Oh don't get me wrong I have my  tribe, but they don't live in the same house or even the same alphabet city.  They don't even really know each other.  My Cosmo loving, or h...

It is 8:30pm in my house. It is quiet, the only sounds are the acoustic music playing on Spotify and eggs boiling on the stove.  The wee one is in bed and I have just opened my computer to get some work accomplished.  This is the last week before I am back in class and this time will be filled with paper writing and discussion questions.....and then likely some more work, because let's face it...the work is just never done. My beam is always full and I am told I do not have a work/life balance, and so I ponder.........what is this balance thing others speak of. This is a life I have chosen:To be a parent, have a career and obtain a PhD degree.These are not things that happened to me, I made cognitive choices and these choices just so happen to make me very busy and force me to juggle, not balance.  The truth is, I'm good at it for a while.  I can make the carpool, PTSO, school and work look easy.  It can all live on the beam (if you don't know this reference o...

My house is eerily quiet this evening.  The little people mc nugget got in trouble at school today, so he is sequestered to his room. This of course makes me the worst mommy in the world because he can't play or watch TV this evening.  The day at work was a little rough due to lack of sleep, changing expectations and the overall feeling of being overwhelmed.  I came home to the usual smell of dogs who can't seem to hold their bladder, or who simply don't care that I have a nose. The overall theme of the day can be summed up in one, solitary, word...HARD. It wasn't a bad day, it was just hard. The day was uncomfortable, a little restless and just unnerving.  I am in the middle of a life of transition, hurry up and wait if you will.  My personal life is beautiful and messy and I am figuring out what this adulting thing is all about.  My work life is a train wreck as I attempt to transition from a busy, yet safe and comfortable job role, into a role where I ...

I have this best friend, and worst enemy.  This frenemy has been with me for the majority of my life. She was there in junior high when she called me fat, she was there as I suffered through bulimia and believed that I would never be pretty or worthy of a relationship. She has been in every single one of my relationships, friend or other. She was with me through my divorce when I lost most of my friends.  She tells me that I need constant attention and that I cannot be content if I am alone.  She judges my parenting and tells me all about the perfect moms out there who are doing it right, while I am flailing. She tells me I'll never finish my dissertation. She tells me that I shouldn't talk to people because they will not like me.  She is my constant companion and she feeds off of my fear. She tells me that self-medication will make me feel better and then riddles me with guilt the next day. She tells me I'm needy, she tells me I am a bad person, she tells me I'm sel...

Sometimes life just sucks you know.  You have these preconceived ideas about what your life is going to be like "when you grow up" and rarely do those plans come to fruition. We get caught up in this idea of contentment and success and when life doesn't go our way we consider ourselves failures. We compare ourselves to the social media versions of people we don't even know. The truth is NONE of us are as we portray ourselves to be. We are all facing unspeakable struggles and none of us can claim that our lives are the way we ideally pictured them.   I am here to say to all of you who are living the life you didn't picture.....I see you. I see you mommas who didn't plan to have your little or the multiple littles, therefore thwarting their plans to continue school, work your corporate job, become Miss America... I see you sister who didn't plan on being a single parent....I see you brother who tried with all your might but just couldn't make it work, I ...

It is easy to be hard on yourself when it seems like things are impossibly hard.  The thing about life is that we all do hard things, but we don't have to be overly hard on ourselves.  Self doubt, caring about what others say or think to the point that it makes you feel bad about yourself, that is all crap and should be dismissed. Yes, we must be careful with our words, thoughts and actions, but we are all human and it is better to just be honest with yourself and others than to wallow in the what ifs. The balance is hard to find.  Do you not say certain things because you are afraid of hurting feelings, or are you too honest with the excuse that you are being true to yourself?  There has be be that sweet spot median right? I have spent many years feeling judged, with the feeling that I was doing something wrong.  I spent years tiptoeing around feelings and living in fear of hurting others.  I wasn't honest with myself or others for a long time, now I feel ...

Sometimes life is a lot.  Just a lot to deal with, a lot to process and a lot to digest day in and day out. We move so fast and there is so much busyness all of the time that we lose ourselves and forget to take notice of the little moments.  I have a hard time sometimes hearing the precious moments in life through the noise and clamor of all of the responsibilities, heartaches and stressful situations that inundate me every day.  Do you ever feel that way?  Ever feel like you are just treading water and gasping for the next task.  I certainly have felt that way lately. There are days I feel in a daze and can't even remember what tasks I completed in the day. It is in these times that a slow down is a necessity.  For mean that means leaving....removing myself completely from the situation and taking a moment just to breathe and pause.  My removal was a trip to Illinois to visit my Grandma and one of my dearest friends.  I did zero organizing for...

Can I just let you in on a little secret?  I am surrounded in life by some of the most talented and amazing people and chances are so are you.  I am surrounded by artists, musicians, lovers of life, writers and truth tellers.  I have people in my life who teach me daily about compassion and grace.  I have people who live with me who are generous and love my child as their own.  I am inspired by friends who are strong beyond their circumstances.  I am humbled and amazed by those I get to do life with. Sometimes I wish people could see what I see on my social media pages.  They would see such amazing talents, and such beauty and positivity.  Sometimes I geek out on just how amazing my people are.  What about you? Do you ever have moments when it just hits you.....that with all the negativity that exists in life, with all of the pain and hard times that you face....you still get to have amazing people in your life. I have a couple of friends...

We as humans are complicated.  we are difficult to understand and even more difficult to to live with.  We lie, hurt, steal happiness and justify our bad behavior. We do not attempt to  know ourselves, but seek to understand others. We pass judgment on things we do not understand, and ostricize entire populations based on our own understanding, our narrow minded understanding.  We label, criticize, and hate anything that is different from our own comfort zone. We expect love from others but we are unwilling to extend love, even to ourselves. We do not learn from mistakes, we repeat them, sometimes over and over again.  We make apologies for bad decisions but do not change our behavior.  We claim to stand for our convictions, but often do so from the sidelines.  We are complicated. But one word keeps coming back to me.  One word keeps returning to my mind and my heart.  That word is Grace. Grace: disposition to or an act or instance of kin...

My four year old has a diet that has consisted primarily of cheese cheese sandwiches (cold not grilled), fruit and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  I could not get him to eat anything else.  I struggled with getting protein into this child and it was starting to make me question my motherhood. Yes I realize I'm being a little dramatic.  After reflecting some I realized that I was making a special dinner for this child because I allowed him to "pick his poison".  I decided I had had enough of making separate meals and told this mini dictator that I he was eating what mommy ate.  Low and behold, he ate dinner, didn't go to bed hungry and I felt like parent of the year because he ate grilled chicken and green beans instead of mac and cheese. Success!!! Everyone defines it differently.  I have long been one of those who only felt accomplished when big ticket successes were achieved, but lately I have been finding joy in the small wins. Child sleeps in his...

Three weeks ago I received a new academic advisor.  My chair had recommended that I reach out to facilitate assistance with scholarly writing resources because my proposal is just not where it needs to be.  I called, received no answer.  Emailed, received no answer. Repeated the process for the last three weeks.  I felt like I was beating my head on a brick wall.  My issue was that I was doing the same thing and receiving the same outcome, wow! You would think that as a PHd student I would have a little more common sense.  You can't move forward in anything, career, relationship skill development if  you continue doing the things that are keeping you stagnant.  You must take a leap of faith and try something different. You still might not get the outcome you desire....but at least the outcome will be different. Many times this step is a change in our attitudes or mindset, and sometimes it's making a change in our actions.  In th...

I've spent at least 7 rounds in the ring with life lately and I am pretty beaten up, not going to lie.  What motivates you to keep fighting when life keeps beating your up?  For me I know that things will not only get better, but they will be amazing....I know that deep down in a way that I can't express. Today I want to talk about getting back up when you just want to stay down. It seems like the last few posts have consisted of complaints from me about how hard life is, how I'm so sad and tired...whaaaaaaa....whaaaaaa.....whaaaaaaa! I know you all LOVE reading about how miserable I am LOL. I have learned to lean into the hard stuff, and find little nuggets of sunshine and here are a couple of things I would like to pass on to all of you. 1. Every wave passes, but there will likely be another wave close behind. Recoup and restore during the low tides :  For me this means enjoying the good days and relishing in those moments.  I store them up so the hard days are...

Last weekend it snowed in Denver, all....weekend.....long.  Spring snow storms are not uncommon in Denver, but every year during this season the grey days seem to be fresh wounds.  That same cloud and coldness that was outside was sadly inside as well in our home.  It was a rough day for the husband and I was in the throws of edits for the Chapter one of my dissertation.  I was feeling frustrated, impatient and on the verge of throwing in the towel. Sometimes we think we have a firm grasp of our plan but our perception is so one sided.  It is hard to fathom that there is a "correct" way to do something......in the dissertation process there most definitely is, and I was not prepared for it. I am not one to hold grudges or to throw pity parties, but I have been the pity party animal as of late. I have been  contemplating why everything is harder for me than my peers, why I got the short end of the stick with the academic process and my former chair, why my...

I have been in a productivity rut.  I have not been passionate about the job I have been doing or my season that I have been given.  I have lost sparkle and shine in relationships and in my self image.  I need a reboot! Sometimes we just need that.  We need to say, OK, it's time to get passionate about where I am RIGHT NOW! So what if the job you have isn't the job you always dreamed of.  I bet there are many factors that are fantastic about it.  I know that in my job there are plenty of things I can be passionate about, even if it wasn't what I thought I would be doing.  Guess what kiddies, life is seldom what you think it will be. but man is it worth embracing what you've been dealt with isn't it?  I needed to follow my own advice.  So there are a couple of things I have started to do. 1.Personal:  That fitness accountability group I wanted to join in January, ya I joined it.  It is day five of week one and it has been such a ...

Sometimes life is just dark, scary and messy.  This is true for everyone don't let Facebook and Pintrest fool you.  We all have our dark seasons, but there is great news.  Nothing lasts forever, not even your darkest seasons. I am currently standing at the end of a dark tunnel.  I can totally see the light in front of me, and it's close but I am still a little in the dark.  When I look back I see pitch black, but I also see that I have progressed to a place of semi lightness.  I am excited about the future, hesitant to take full leaps of faith but definitely ready to take some baby steps to climb back into the light.  This is life. I cringe when I hear people say "life is hard", it isn't.  Life is life. It is neither hard nor easy, it is neither happy or sad, it is neither blessed nor cursed....it is all of these. Without dark there is no light, without challenges there are no successes. It's all about how you get back up when you are knocked ...

So much more than a clever song lyric by The Band Perry (excellent song btw), it was a life lesson to me today.  I had a humbling experience today, not because I was wrong or right, because honestly I am not sure if I was or was not and I will likely never know, but I let two thing emotionally spin me today.....Pride and Possession.  Let's be honest neither on which matter a lick to anyone but me. You see I thought 8 months ago that I had accepted an offer for a particular salary, so when I received a pleasant review but the salary was surprising I went into a tailspin...This wasn't what I had signed on for, I don't even like what I'm doing, why would have I agreed to this? I had these preconceived notions that I was better than where I was and that I had not agreed to something that paperwork had clearly documented that I had. I am not sure what delusion I was under or why I had a particular figure in my head, but I learned a valuable lesson today. Crow tastes awfu...

The last couple of weeks have been a challenge to say the least.  Many don't know that I have a husband who is wonderful (ok everyone knows that part) who battles with depression.  Many also do not know that I have an issue with empathy.  What my husband feels, I also feel.  If you have not yet heard, depression can be contagious, and I know this feeling all too well.  The last few weeks have been particularly bad, but we are on the mend. The main symptoms for me during these times is exhaustion, a lack of focus and a deep sadness that I cannot fix the situation.  During these times I have little motivation and a whole lot of excuses. This time I felt it necessary to take a leave of absence for school so that I could once again begin the search for a new chair.  This process was daunting the first time and left me nervous and apprehensive. I procrastinated the first week.  I told myself that taking care of my family was a priority and that I c...

So I finished my series on commitments and I did better than I expected on all of those commitments.  They are all baby steps, works in progress and to the average person it would seem  as if not much has been accomplished, but trust me, there has been much progress.  Today I'd like to switch gears....I'd like to impart my....ahem...wisdom to this younger generation of workers. Young workers of this earth, there are 5 things that you must STOP doing in the workplace now.  I mean like right now.  These 5 things label you as irresponsible, unreliable and just bad people.  I embellish of course, but not much.  Let me explain.  Last week I spent the entire week minus one day filming young employees DOING THEIR JOB.  Most of them did an incredible job, but some of the interactions reminded me of the same mistakes I have made in the past, hell some of the I still make now.  So here they are, my five things you all need to stop doing for...

Sometimes I feel like a super bad juggler.  I feel like I have several balls: Work, husband, child, school, community commitments, friends, family, housework and financial obligations.  I have all these balls that I try to keep up in the air and at any given time they all come crashing to the floor in a most dramatic flop. Being a working mom and also going to school is hard.  In fact I am not going to sugar coat things, this is the hardest season I have had in my entire life.  Author Jen Hatmaker talks about taking thing on and off of your life balancing beam, but I am currently in a season where nothing can be taken off my beam. What can be frustrating is when people disagree with that statement.  Surely something can be taken off, surely I can find some time to decompress, or to just breathe.  One of those people is even my husband who routinely says that I just don't make time for myself, but is frustrated when I don't have the time to spend with hi...

So I missed my blog post last week.  I am sure everyone noticed and was very sad about that.  First, class started back up again after about 10 weeks of a hiatus with dissertation writing, parting ways with my chair and starting that whole process of finding a new chair.  But none of those are reasons I did not post. The real reason for not posting is that it was my promise to myself to to post and commit to joining and being more involved in a community. I love the idea of making new friends, having that Sex in the City, Golden Girls even Buffy the Vampire Slayer core group of friends to do life with.  I love the idea!! It is not my reality, in fact making new friends freaks me out.  Getting close to friends terrifies me. So the idea of inserting myself into a community is something I avoid at all costs. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful friends and family, but most of them are not local.  I have my one Colorado person/Family that I feel ba...

So I want to start this post by saying a big huge thank you to those of you who read my rants and comment on them either publicly or privately.  Thanks to you who read and don't comment.  Thanks to you who read at all. I started this blog a little over three years ago to express my journey towards becoming an accredited scholar while juggling life.  That journey continues with some failures and some wins along the way, and for all of you who have followed the journey, whether I know you personally or not, you are a part of my clan. So, lets talk about how this commitment to self is going since I know that you are all on the edge of your seats awaiting an update.  It's going well.  I have adhered to my separation from my wine, and I have learned that it is not hard to give up.  I enjoy more productivity, more stable moods and a higher sense of self worth because the shame that I associated with alcohol consumption has subdued.  I have kept my commitme...

So in my last posting I spoke of a goal I had to post a 4 part series on commitment.  So I plan to do so.  In brainstorming these posts (which consists of my mind wandering a million different directions at the most inopportune times) I came up with the 4 following compartments of commitment that speak to my particular season of life. First and foremost I have made a commitment to self:  personally, spiritually and physically. Commitment to my people, my clan:  This includes my husband, my little man, my extended family and my friends past present and future. Commitment to my community:  More needs to be done in my life to foster community and service to those around me.  This goes hand in hand with my commitment to my clan. Commitment to Work and Education:  I lump these two together because they take almost equal effort lately and both are full time.  These are the areas that I feel need a deeper level of commitment from me in my curre...

How do you cope with a large disappointment? The worry over a child's health? Feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often for things you haven't even done? I'm not asking rhetorical questions....I'm seeking advice.  You see this year was going to be year that I planned to THRIVE.  I would turn in my dissertation proposal to rave reviews, I would be considered the best wife, mother, friend and family member ever. I was going to conquer mom guilt and be the fittest, funnest, most honest version of me. Well four days into the new year and I am already exhausted, deflated and have broken all of the promises I have made to myself. On the second day of the year I opened my email at a stoplight (I know terrible) on my way to a hair appointment.  I was greeted with the devastating news that my committee member thought that my dissertation proposal was NOWHERE NEAR where it needed to be to submit to the review boards. The floodgates opened and I arrived to my hair appointment with...